“I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine”.


“It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today.”


~unknown

Dating is hard.  Basically, two strangers meet and decide whether or not they like each other enough to move forward.  Move forward where? No one really knows at the beginning. The hard part, is getting both people to feel the same way at the same time.  That is where I have trouble. That is why I am feeling unlovable.

I have recently switched my mindset from just casually dating, to actually wanting a relationship.  I am starting to think that this was a terrible idea, because all it has done is made me cry. Crying sucks, and I hate feeling alone in a world full of people. Quickly I am finding out that I might not be cut out for this. Maybe I am not someone’s forever person. I don’t know.

I have met a few that have sparked some feels, but nothing that worked out.  “It’s not you, it’s me.” is getting pretty freaking old. Eventually, I have to believe that it is me.  However, that is ok. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with the real me. I am not going to put on a perfect face just to find someone. That’s not real.  I want something real. Someone who knows my crazy and loves me anyway.

To quote Rent, “Life’s to short babe, time is flying, I’m looking for baggage what goes with mine”.  We all have are baggage.  Every adult has their stuff to unpack and deal with.  The important thing is to find someone who matches your baggage.  That way, you can both deal with them together and not lose your minds while doing so.

I don’t know where to go from here.  That is a strange feeling. I don’t know what I should do.  Do I keep dating with the hopes that someone will stick, or do I give it a rest and hope that someone fantastic will just pop into my life and sweep me off my feet?  Both sound pretty terrible at this point. I am a hot mess, but you know what? I am an awesome hot mess that loves with my whole heart. Someday, someone will come along and love me with their whole heart too.  It has to happen, that is the way life goes, right? Clearly, patience is a virtue that I do not have.

I am just ready for a happily ever after…


Online Dating is rough.
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Check out my love story!


“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”


~Friedrich Nietzsche

I was special enough to be able to write a guest blog post over at Sorting Life’s Issues with Jess. Head on over and give her a follow!

Here is the link to my post on her page, check it out and comment!

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It’s that time of year again…


“ Fuck it.  I’ll buy myself chocolate for Valentines day.”


~Unknown

So truth time.  I am a hopeless romantic, like it’s bad.  I have these dreams of amazing valentine’s days, someday an epic proposal, and being swept off my feet. It is different then most I think.  I don’t want money spent on me. I want time spent, a handwritten love notes, a single flower, or the like. Is a damn mix tape too much to ask for? Joking.  Kind of.

In my recollection, I have never had a really amazing Valentine’s Day.  I was never the girl in high school who got the flowers, my ex husband loved me but was terrible at all things that needed romantic thought put into it.  My last boyfriend of eight years said he didn’t believe in it. Fun for me. Where do I find these people?

Holidays, such as this, makes the world seem very materialistic which makes me sad.  Don’t spend hundreds of dollars on sparkly things, I probably won’t even wear it! Give me a picnic on the living room floor and cuddling up to a movie.  That would be amazing. Or, give me a copy of your favorite book so I can read it and learn a little bit more about you. I would be over the moon. (Check out more ideas here: Free ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day.)

Until this year, I used to get really bitter, mostly because I don’t like feeling left out.  Everyone has great stories on the 15th and I used to feel like I had to make something up so I didn’t get the “aww” face.  You know the face I am talking about. The “poor thing” face. I hate that face.

This year, I am single, officially single. ( I also have zero fucks given, Remember?)  I also have zero expectations or obligations.  Nothing to look forward to only then to be disappointed! The 14th, this year, is just a Thursday.  No worries about putting thought into it for other people then being forgotten. Perfect.

So yes, I went to the store and bought my own chocolates and I am going to eat them cuddled up with my cats watching serial killer documentaries; and I have never been more excited about February 14th.

Share with me your most epic (or epic fail) Valentine’s Day stories in the comments below!

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Love Potion #9


“How do you spell love?” ~Piglet  “You don’t spell it, you feel it.” ~Pooh


~Winnie the Pooh

So, I did a love spell last night.  Normally, I would have done a love spell on the full moon, but the new moon in Aquarius held great energy for this work. (See more here.)  I don’t normally do love spells, I like to let things take its own course, but I am floundering here, and I needed a magickal boost. (More like desperate help! See post “I had a revelation.”)

I worked a petition spell that I got from the Temple of Witchcraft store at Templefest this year.  It was from the book “The Witch’s Heart”, by Christopher Penzcak, one of my teachers.  (PS he is amazing!)

I am not one to just copy a spell out of a book and do it, no matter how awesome it is.  If I am going to do magick, I either write my own spells, or I change them up a bit. I am going to share with you my take on the spell, well all except the details, those are just for me and the Goddess.

Before performing the ritual, we cast a circle and call in the elements to the four quarters.  This time, I mixed it up a bit. I called in Aphrodite, and the four elements but, instead of a circle and four quarters, I cast a heart.  While casting it three times, I walked around it reciting all the things I am looking for in a relationship.

Next I wrote out the petition spell, and cleansed the space with specially prepared incense.  I lit dressed candles, a red one for passion, a pink one for love, and one blessed with the energy of Venus.  I braided a three string cord, adding a heart charm as I recited the spell. I blessed a rose quartz point with the same spell, and then tied the petition rolled up with the cord.  I will carry both with me, until the spell is complete.

Now the most important part of any spell is real world action.  I can’t just sit in my living room and hope that Mr. Right will just knock on the door.  That just doesn’t happen. So I date, and I let my friends set me up on dates, and I see what happens.  Cross your fingers for me!!!

After I cast the spell, something interesting did happen.  I was speaking with a new guy from online and we set a date for next Tuesday, February 12th.  We hit it off well, and I am pretty excited. Funny thing about this date though, it was the day that I started dating my husband, and it was the day I started dating the greatest love my my life, John.  For some reason, this date is important to my romantic life. Yes the relationships ended, but so many loving memories were made with both. I am excited to see what happens!

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I Had A Revelation


Who knows what a little
A little love can change?
I know just a little
A little love will change you


Meet me in the middle
In the middle we can meet again
If we meet in the middle
I know you’ll love me til the end

~Josh Farro, Paramore

You know those times in your life when you are going through a bunch of crap and you can’t really figure out why you feel the way you do?  Then out of nowhere, Poof! You figure it out. I call this a revelation. They don’t happen very often, but when they do, it’s awesome! I had one last night, and now I don’t know if I feel better or worse.

I have been having so much fun dating, just having a blast, no strings attached.  Being my own person and meeting some great people, but since I fell into “like” with Mr. Dammit, (See my post, Dammit), things have been weird.  I am no longer satisfied with just dating, I need more and I didn’t understand why this came out of nowhere.  Now I do… I don’t need a relationship, I need intimacy. Or maybe both, I don’t know.

I learned very quickly after my divorce 10 years ago that sex and intimacy do not always go together.  I understand, that for some people they have to, but for me, nope. They are two very, very different things, and I can easily have one without the other.  I have been living in blissful ignorance of how important intimacy is to me and now that I know, I can’t get it out of my head.

I need touch: holding hands in the car, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or laying in bed, legs tangled together just talking about random things.

Forehead Kisses. (So important it gets its own line).

I will say it again, forehead kisses.

I need someone who plays with my hair absentmindedly, texts me just to tell me they are thinking of me, and NOT how excited they are to have sex with me.  See the difference?

My last boyfriend spoiled me.  Not with things, but with love and feelings and touch.  He always told me to wear my seat belt (something I never do, bad I know).  He wasn’t telling me what to do, but expressing that he cared for my safety, so I did.  He could talk me out of bed on bad days, which is not an easy task. At restaurants we would hold hands across the table, we were almost always touching in someway.  I miss that.

I know that everyone is different, but intimacy is intimacy.  I was doing just fine until Mr. Dammit. With him, I had intimacy.  I don’t know how, time was so limited, but it was there nonetheless, and now I remember what it feels like and I am craving it again.


“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”


~Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

So now that I have this information, I need to figure out what I am going to do with it.  My first impulse was to stop talking to everyone I have been hanging out with, but that seemed rash, so I didn’t do that.  I really need to take inventory (silly word, I know) and see if there is potential there, and if not, move on.. Sounds harsh, but in the end it is about me, and what makes me happy.  If I don’t make changes, then I will live in the same unhappy place forever.

Wish me luck!

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