#writerschallenge2019 ~ Three Things About Me

“The shortest distance between two people is a story.”

~Patti Digh, Four-Word Self-Help: Simple Wisdom for Complex Lives

The Challenge

I am working on a writers challenge, #writerschallenge2019.  It was supposed to be done in March, but well, now it is April and here we are.  I also realize that it is in the wee hours of April 3rd and I am already two days behind. I guess that means today will be a busy day for me!

The challenge is easy.  31 posts in a month, each with a different given topic.  However, it is going to push me. Not only do I have to write a post everyday, but I have to use a specific topic.  That is not something that I am used to. Yay for growth!

Here we go.

Post #1 – Three Things About Me

(I have been sitting here for 10 minutes and I still trying to figure out what to write.  Totally overthinking it. Ahhh)

I am a witch.

I am a witch.  Through and through.  I have officially been a solitary witch for fifteen years, I have been initiated into the Temple of Witchcraft for five years, and I am currently working on my first year at Black Rose Witchcraft.  Looking back though, I have always been a witch.  How many Catholic teenagers wait until everyone is asleep to make a candle altar and send out intentions. Not to many.  

Magick is my life.  It is blood, breath, and bone.  It is earth, air, fire, and water.  It is spirit. Yes, I do spells and rituals, but it is so much for than that.  It is knowing myself, and my shadow, and keeping a relationship between the two.  It is divination, meditation, and observation. It is community.

I am 100% out of the broom closet.  I practically blink witch like a neon sign.  It is not that I flaunt it, it is just who I am, and I decided about four years ago that I was not going to hide anymore.  I am the official office witch, clearing “curses” on co-workers good luck charms. Really. That happened.

Probably one of my favorite things about being a witch is being able to share the magick with little witchlings.  My niece is well on her way and she is eight years old. Read about her here.

Sloane is four and she is an expert on fairies and the Night Wood.  A post about her is coming soon. Both of these little magickal girls are so receptive, my makes my heart happy.

I feel like I could just write forever about this topic.  It is such a huge part of my life, I can’t even see myself on any other path.  Being in this community, I am blessed.

I am an Auntie.

I love being an Auntie.  I have three nieces and one nephew and another baby on the way.  I can’t have kids and at times it is really hard for me, but I love being able to spend time with my brood.  I am really close with my nieces and I need to foster a better relationship for my nephew. It is harder with the boys I think.  I don’t really know what to do, but I love him dearly, and he knows that. Now he is getting older and I think I can start to do things with him.  

For Christmas this year, I got all of them crystals for the first time.  I got them a tumbled and a raw crystal of their birth stone. It was a huge hit!  I loved sitting with them one on one and explaining the crystal to them. They really seemed to like it.  Especially Alexandra, she is a little witchling. We recently went out one on one and I bought her, her first pendulum.  She calls it her mind reading crystal. I freaking love it.

I remember the day that each of them were born, and what it was like to hold them for the first time.  I remember the first time my eldest niece told me she loved me. I remember when my nephew used to fall asleep in my arms because I have magic breasts that put babies to sleep.  I remember my teaching my youngest niece colors and how to say balloon. I love these kids so much. They are such a blessing to me and to the entire family.

I live with mental health disorders.

This has been the biggest struggle of my life.  My current diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD.  I am on a plethora of medication that I take daily. I deal with extreme highs and extreme lows and I struggle to maintain balance.  I have recently started seeing a new therapist and she is amazing. She is working on updating my diagnosis. She thinks that there are different things going on.  I am hopeful. She seems amazing and so willing to work with me.

I was voluntarily committed to a mental health facility last July for severe thoughts of hurting myself.  I was going through a very terrible situation and found that I could just not handle it myself. It is a difficult thing to admit, but I spent five days there getting regulated, then spent three weeks in a partial outpatient program focusing on DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).  Basically, tools to help regulate yourself.  They are fantastic and I am so glad that something good came out of something so awful.

I know this is something that I will have to deal with for my entire life, but I also pride myself in being aware of myself.  I can feel myself slipping and I know how to ask for help. I do what I need to do. I go to therapy weekly, I take my medications daily and I live the best life I can.  It is something I deal with, not who I am.

Thank you so much for learning a little bit about me!  Drop me something special about you in the comments!

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Children Helping Children

No child should die in the dawn of life.

~Danny Thomas

My 8 year old niece is raising money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and every year she has exceeded her goal.  We are looking forward to her doing so this year as well. Not only does she collect donations, but any gifts that she receives she donates right back to St. Jude.  I am so proud of her. I could go on and on, but I am going to let her tell you.

If you are so moved.  Please donate here:

Donate here via Facebook

Donate Here via Hillsboro- Deering Elementary School

Help me raise funds for St. Jude!

I’ve joined the fight to help end childhood cancer by participating in the St. Jude Math-A-Thon. I’m solving math problems and raising funds to help St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. You can help me reach my fundraising goal for the kids of St. Jude, who are battling cancer and other life-threatening diseases.

How your donation helps:

* Families never receive a bill from St. Jude for treatment, travel, housing or food — because all a family should worry about is helping their child live.

* Treatments invented at St. Jude have helped push the overall childhood cancer survival rate from 20% to more than 80% since it opened more than 50 years ago. St. Jude is working to drive the overall survival rate for childhood cancer to 90%, and we won’t stop until no child dies from cancer.

Please donate to St. Jude to help kids like Eli (the boy who the monkey is named after) who have cancer.

Love,

Alexandra

Thank you for your support!

St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital

US 501(c)(3) Nonprofit Organization

Families never receive a bill from St. Jude for treatment, travel, housing or food – because all a family should worry about is helping their child live. Treatments invented at St. Jude have helped push the overall childhood cancer survival rate from 20% to more than 80% since it opened more than 50 years ago. St. Jude is working to drive the overall survival rate for childhood cancer to 90%, and we won’t stop until no child dies from cancer. St. Jude freely shares the discoveries we make, and every child saved at St. Jude means doctors and scientists worldwide can use that knowledge to save thousands more children.

Based in Memphis, Tennessee

Receiving donations directly. Learn More

For more information on St. Jude please see their website.  St. Jude

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New Makeup Techniques…Dear Gods


“The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.”


― Yves Saint Laurent

I am a girly girl, sometimes.  Other times I cannot be bothered, but I have been lucky; my complexion has been pretty amazing my entire life, but I am 37 now and well, somethings just need to be covered.  I have always been good with applying makeup, but somethings are beyond me. Two good examples are contour/highlighting and cat eyes. (Why is that damn eyeliner flip so difficult!?!?)  I have been researching using youtube, and hilarity ensued this weekend while I was preparing for a date. (Could it be working?? Love Potion #9)

I knew that I was going to be trying something new, so I gave myself a full hour to get ready just in case.  (Just so you can tell how well it went, I was still late.) It was an afternoon date ending with a karaoke night so I decided to go with night makeup.  I got out of the shower and laid on my bed watching the contouring video here.  After it was over, I was sure that I was ready.  Previously, I had ordered these cool cat eye stamp eyeliner things.  Supposed to make it easy. (Nope!)  With my tools, I stood in front of the mirror, music on, ready to go.  Luckily, I am able to laugh at myself.


Contour What?

I use a liquid foundation, which I applied first, but powder highlighter/contour.  According to the video, you apply the highlighter first. Using powder is harder to see than using cream, at least in comparison to the video, but I put it everywhere she said.  Triangle under the eyes, a little on my nose, chin and forehead. Next I grabbed the darker color (I’m not going to lie, I don’t even know what it is called) for contouring. Fishy face, for the hollow of the cheeks, around the jaw line and on either side of the nose. (I do have to say, at the end, my nose did look awesome and thinner.) I contoured my forehead and the edges of my face.  It was shocking, but not bad. Now to blend.

Now, apparently, what looks blended under the lights of the vanity is not the same as looking blended in regular light. ( A mental note I made to myself while sitting in the car vigorously trying to blend my fully made up face in the car on the way to the movie theater.)  Once done, I sprayed my setting spray, then moved on. I added blush, which I always wear, so no scariness there. Then I moved onto my eyes. Goddess help me.


Eye Makeup No Go

I brought out my trusty liquid purple eyeshadow, my amazing mascara, and my new fancy stamps and I (thought) was ready to go.  Now I always curl my lashes before I get started with anything so that I don’t get my curler dirty. Well, if my failure at this was any indication of how the process was going to go (and it was), I should have just quit right then and there.  I don’t know what was wrong with me? I was catching my eye lid and was all over the place. Ouch.

I am not good with liquid eyeliner, I usually use cream, but I had high hopes.  Hopes that were soon dashed. Now the stamp did not come with directions, because why would it?  Of course it is waterproof, tear proof, sweat proof. It is pretty much stuck to your skin forever.  Moment of truth… and I stamped in the wrong place. I am still not 100% sure where the right place is, but it was not where I put it.  

Of course I was like “I can totally fix this”. No, no I couldn’t.  I took the pen section and swiped across the edge of my upper lid. Kind of squiggly, but not terrible.  Then I opened my eye without letting it dry (This is a thing?) Yup, I got a HUGE black curved line on my lower brow.  Waterproof, sweat proof… yea it was bad. I finally had to submit and grab the eye makeup remover. Even that didn’t work all that well.  I ended up trying to blend it in with the eyeshadow, did the best I could with it, but I kind of looked like I got punched in the eyes; however I was late so I had to go with it.  I finished up with the mascara and ran out the door.


Moral of the Story

Learned a great lesson though, when trying new makeup techniques, don’t do it when you have a date.  Way too much pressure, and not enough room for error.

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“I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine”.


“It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today.”


~unknown

Dating is hard.  Basically, two strangers meet and decide whether or not they like each other enough to move forward.  Move forward where? No one really knows at the beginning. The hard part, is getting both people to feel the same way at the same time.  That is where I have trouble. That is why I am feeling unlovable.

I have recently switched my mindset from just casually dating, to actually wanting a relationship.  I am starting to think that this was a terrible idea, because all it has done is made me cry. Crying sucks, and I hate feeling alone in a world full of people. Quickly I am finding out that I might not be cut out for this. Maybe I am not someone’s forever person. I don’t know.

I have met a few that have sparked some feels, but nothing that worked out.  “It’s not you, it’s me.” is getting pretty freaking old. Eventually, I have to believe that it is me.  However, that is ok. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with the real me. I am not going to put on a perfect face just to find someone. That’s not real.  I want something real. Someone who knows my crazy and loves me anyway.

To quote Rent, “Life’s to short babe, time is flying, I’m looking for baggage what goes with mine”.  We all have are baggage.  Every adult has their stuff to unpack and deal with.  The important thing is to find someone who matches your baggage.  That way, you can both deal with them together and not lose your minds while doing so.

I don’t know where to go from here.  That is a strange feeling. I don’t know what I should do.  Do I keep dating with the hopes that someone will stick, or do I give it a rest and hope that someone fantastic will just pop into my life and sweep me off my feet?  Both sound pretty terrible at this point. I am a hot mess, but you know what? I am an awesome hot mess that loves with my whole heart. Someday, someone will come along and love me with their whole heart too.  It has to happen, that is the way life goes, right? Clearly, patience is a virtue that I do not have.

I am just ready for a happily ever after…


Online Dating is rough.
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Just another manic Monday…Tuesday… Wednesday??


“It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality is more important than the feeling for pictures.”


~ Vincent Van Gogh

It started out like any other Sunday night, I was at the Circle of Sound with the Temple of Witchcraft, which is my favorite circle.  I was in a great mood, and bouncing around much like I usually do, but mid way through the circle, I snapped out of the meditative state.  It was weird, it was just like BAM, over. I obviously stayed quiet, but I couldn’t tune in after that.

I got home about 11:30pm.  I had stayed after to chat and help clean up.  I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t even close, I thought that I was just wired from the circle, but it didn’t stop… next thing I knew it was 4am on a work night… bad news bears.

It didn’t even occur to me, until half way through Monday and I was talking fast and bouncing around, full of energy even with so little sleep.  I was in a manic episode. Dammit. The problem with mania is you are never quite sure if you are manic or just in a really good mood, until you have done some stupid shit.  Generally, I spend money I don’t have on things that I don’t need, and I have sex, lots of it. Could be worse, I could be one of the angry ones that stabs people. Silver lining.

I was really hyped up, everyone at work noticed.  Yet I was also having the best sales day I the entire month.  I call that a win, kind of. Much like I do at the end of a super manic day, I passed out.  Some people stay up for days without sleep, in my case, I burn so much energy throughout the day, I tend to pass out around 9pm.  

I wake up Tuesday, I do the open one eye thing to see how the day is going to be.  Yup, still manic. Even worse than Monday. So far I had been able to behave myself, but the struggle was real.  Work again flew by in a energetic daze. Again, a great sales day. I am starting to see a pattern, and not a good one.  Tuesday night, again, I pass out.

Wednesday comes around, I was still elevated, but not as much.  Still a great sales day, but my anxiety was starting to come back.  I had a date with a new guy Wednesday night so I was nervous about that. (It went great though!) By some miracle, I was able to behave myself again.  Now that is a win.

Thursday.  The inevitable happened.  The crash. Oh boy did I crash hard.  I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t even cry, I was just gone. Blank, empty.  This is the worst part of being manic. It feels so good when you are in it, but eventually, you will come down, and you will come down hard.  

Today is better, I am in a mixed state of sorts, not really sure.  That sounds so weird, not being sure what kind of mood you are in, but it is real life.  Sometimes, I just have no idea. I push through as best I can and see what shakes out.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I understand that bipolar disorder is an important part of who I am.  Depressed or manic, I wouldn’t be me without it. I think I am pretty awesome, and so life goes on. It feels good to accept it.  When someone asks me how I am, I am not afraid to say I am manic today, so enjoy the ride! Or I am feeling very low, be gentle with me.

This is my life.  It’s hard, but it’s mine and I love it, even if I don’t like it sometimes.

xxoo

Bipolar mental disorder abstract psychological illness concept as a butterfly divided as one side in grey and sad colors with the other in full bright tones as a medical metaphor for psychiatric mood or feelings imbalance.
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