“It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today.”
Dating is hard. Basically, two strangers meet and decide whether or not they like each other enough to move forward. Move forward where? No one really knows at the beginning. The hard part, is getting both people to feel the same way at the same time. That is where I have trouble. That is why I am feeling unlovable.
I have recently switched my mindset from just casually dating, to actually wanting a relationship. I am starting to think that this was a terrible idea, because all it has done is made me cry. Crying sucks, and I hate feeling alone in a world full of people. Quickly I am finding out that I might not be cut out for this. Maybe I am not someone’s forever person. I don’t know.
I have met a few that have sparked some feels, but nothing that worked out. “It’s not you, it’s me.” is getting pretty freaking old. Eventually, I have to believe that it is me. However, that is ok. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with the real me. I am not going to put on a perfect face just to find someone. That’s not real. I want something real. Someone who knows my crazy and loves me anyway.
I don’t know where to go from here. That is a strange feeling. I don’t know what I should do. Do I keep dating with the hopes that someone will stick, or do I give it a rest and hope that someone fantastic will just pop into my life and sweep me off my feet? Both sound pretty terrible at this point. I am a hot mess, but you know what? I am an awesome hot mess that loves with my whole heart. Someday, someone will come along and love me with their whole heart too. It has to happen, that is the way life goes, right? Clearly, patience is a virtue that I do not have.
“Sometimes the person you fall for is not ready to catch you.”
The Monday before Valentine’s Day, I had a date with Andy. I like Andy. A lot. I was really excited for this date. It was a real date! He was picking me up for dinner and a movie, I didn’t even think that happened anymore. It is still the very beginning, but there was already feelings between us, seemingly on both sides. The butterflies in my stomach while waiting for him were epicly large. Then he arrived.
He is wonderfully awkward, much like myself. He gave me a big hug and I was able to take a deep breath. We sat on my couch and talked for a hour or so, then we decided to get tacos from the amazing place around the corner from me. So we bundled up and walked the two blocks (which may not seem like a lot, but it was 19 degrees and windy). When we got there, they were closed. Apparently there are no tacos on Monday. Very sad.
We decided to go to the 99 instead, so we walked back to the car. On the seat was a pretty big Valentines Day bag. He has a daughter so I assumed it was for her. I let him move it from the seat and when I got in the car he handed it back to me. It was a big pink monkey, a box of chocolates and a set of red and black nail polish. My favorite. There was also a card but I didn’t read it until later that night.
He was originally going to take me to a small old time theater in Wilton to see an independent film, but none of them really sounded good to me so we went to the theater in town and we saw Bohemian Rhapsody. (Which is AMAZING! If you have not seen it, you simply must!) We got to the theater and got settled. I put my hand over on his side and he caught the hint and held it. We sat together arm and arm, hand in hand for the movie. It was awesome. The thought still makes me smile. It was a great feeling. After the movie, we held hands and walked to his car. It was time to take me home.
We pulled up to my house and we did the whole awkward good night thing where we were both trying to figure out if the other wanted a good night kiss. Finally he went for it. The kiss was amazing. First kisses are my favorite. You can tell so much from them. After this kiss, there was no denying that we had chemistry. Then we had our second, third and forth kiss. All equally as amazing as the first.
Conversation then turned to where we want this to go. Obviously, not moving straight into a relationship, we we acknowledged that we both really liked each other and would like to see how it was going to progress. I actually thought about deleting my dating apps because I thought this was going to be something real. I said goodnight with a final kiss then bounced up my stairs with a unstoppable smile on my face. I couldn’t wait to get upstairs, I wanted to read his card.
I threw my stuff down and grabbed it, what I read made me cry. How could anyone be so amazing. This is what I wanted, it is what I have been looking for.
The next day, I woke up to a sweet good morning text, and we talked throughout the day in the normal way that we did. When I got home I messaged him that he could call me tonight, I was going to be home all night. He said sure, he was going to put some laundry in and give me a call. Now I am not one to wait by the phone, so I was doing other things. Three hours went by and I thought it was weird so I messaged him. Nothing. I called him. Nothing. I looked him up on facebook. He blocked me. What the everloving hell is going on?
I cried. I cried a lot. I had no idea what happened and I felt discarded. Who does all of those nice things then just ghosts? I was very upset. I didn’t hear from him all night, and into the next day. Around mid morning I got the infamous “It’s not you, it’s me, but really it is me.” and “I’m not ready for a relationship.” text. Now he wants to be friends. I can’t do it. I am sure he didn’t mean to, but he hurt me, and I can’t trust him after that, even as a friend.
So, Valentine’s Days sucked. I had such high hopes for it being an awesome night by myself, (see my post here) until someone came along and made me believe that was not the case. He is a nice guy, but in a way I wish I had never met him. I feel like my heart was played with and that is not ok with me.
Here we are, back at the beginning. Though it is just a little bit harder right now. I just want someone to hug me and tell me I’m awesome. Not to much to ask, right? The search continues!
“ Fuck it. I’ll buy myself chocolate for Valentines day.”
So truth time. I am a hopeless romantic, like it’s bad. I have these dreams of amazing valentine’s days, someday an epic proposal, and being swept off my feet. It is different then most I think. I don’t want money spent on me. I want time spent, a handwritten love notes, a single flower, or the like. Is a damn mix tape too much to ask for? Joking. Kind of.
In my recollection, I have never had a really amazing Valentine’s Day. I was never the girl in high school who got the flowers, my ex husband loved me but was terrible at all things that needed romantic thought put into it. My last boyfriend of eight years said he didn’t believe in it. Fun for me. Where do I find these people?
Holidays, such as this, makes the world seem very materialistic which makes me sad. Don’t spend hundreds of dollars on sparkly things, I probably won’t even wear it! Give me a picnic on the living room floor and cuddling up to a movie. That would be amazing. Or, give me a copy of your favorite book so I can read it and learn a little bit more about you. I would be over the moon. (Check out more ideas here: Free ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day.)
Until this year, I used to get really bitter, mostly because I don’t like feeling left out. Everyone has great stories on the 15th and I used to feel like I had to make something up so I didn’t get the “aww” face. You know the face I am talking about. The “poor thing” face. I hate that face.
This year, I am single, officially single. ( I also have zero fucks given, Remember?) I also have zero expectations or obligations. Nothing to look forward to only then to be disappointed! The 14th, this year, is just a Thursday. No worries about putting thought into it for other people then being forgotten. Perfect.
So yes, I went to the store and bought my own chocolates and I am going to eat them cuddled up with my cats watching serial killer documentaries; and I have never been more excited about February 14th.
Share with me your most epic (or epic fail) Valentine’s Day stories in the comments below!
“How do you spell love?” ~Piglet “You don’t spell it, you feel it.” ~Pooh
~Winnie the Pooh
So, I did a love spell last night. Normally, I would have done a love spell on the full moon, but the new moon in Aquarius held great energy for this work. (See more here.) I don’t normally do love spells, I like to let things take its own course, but I am floundering here, and I needed a magickal boost. (More like desperate help! See post “I had a revelation.”)
I am not one to just copy a spell out of a book and do it, no matter how awesome it is. If I am going to do magick, I either write my own spells, or I change them up a bit. I am going to share with you my take on the spell, well all except the details, those are just for me and the Goddess.
Before performing the ritual, we cast a circle and call in the elements to the four quarters. This time, I mixed it up a bit. I called in Aphrodite, and the four elements but, instead of a circle and four quarters, I cast a heart. While casting it three times, I walked around it reciting all the things I am looking for in a relationship.
Next I wrote out the petition spell, and cleansed the space with specially prepared incense. I lit dressed candles, a red one for passion, a pink one for love, and one blessed with the energy of Venus. I braided a three string cord, adding a heart charm as I recited the spell. I blessed a rose quartz point with the same spell, and then tied the petition rolled up with the cord. I will carry both with me, until the spell is complete.
Now the most important part of any spell is real world action. I can’t just sit in my living room and hope that Mr. Right will just knock on the door. That just doesn’t happen. So I date, and I let my friends set me up on dates, and I see what happens. Cross your fingers for me!!!
After I cast the spell, something interesting did happen. I was speaking with a new guy from online and we set a date for next Tuesday, February 12th. We hit it off well, and I am pretty excited. Funny thing about this date though, it was the day that I started dating my husband, and it was the day I started dating the greatest love my my life, John. For some reason, this date is important to my romantic life. Yes the relationships ended, but so many loving memories were made with both. I am excited to see what happens!
“We shouldn’t have to out ourselves as survivors in order for people to grasp the magnitude of how systematic assault and harassment are.”
On Friday night I was sexually assaulted, and I almost let it go. Sexual assault is a big umbrella, one that I am all too familiar with. I have always been quiet, not one to talk and say things. An easy target, especially when I was younger. Now, I am 36 and still, I find it hard to say things, or even force myself to recognize that it even happened. It’s easier to ignore it. Easier not to deal with it. Not this time.
I have a following on here, be it a little one, but if one person reads it that needs to see this, then it will be worth the uncomfortableness of talking about it.
It was our 3rd date. We had already had sex so that wasn’t even a worry for me. We hung out, watched movies. Well, things progressed they way that they do. Now, there is something specific that I will not do sexually. I just don’t like. Period. I am upfront and honest with everyone about it. It is a hard no. NO.
I reminded him of this, and he verbally agreed that he understood. Well. After about an hour of fooling around, and me reminding him three times, he held me down and forced me to do it. I said no, and tried to push him away. All he said was sorry.
Now here is the important part that even I need to keep reminding myself of. I 100% consented to having sex with him that night. I 100% consented to do anything except this one act. To that, I said no. I said no and he forced me to do it anyway. That is sexual assault. That is not ok. To make matters worse, it took me three days to even realize it.
If I had been raped, three days is enough time to wash any DNA that might be there away. I know this, yet I still did nothing. In Jr High, when I teacher assaulted me, I said nothing. In highschool, when my teacher touched me, I said nothing. 8 years ago, when I was raped by a guy I was dating, I didn’t say anything for five whole years. Then all of it just came out in a therapy session and I was crying so much that I couldn’t breathe. Complex PTSD they said. Lovely another diagnosis.
Don’t make the same mistakes I did and live quietly for years suffering in silence. Do something, say something.
Now this guy won’t leave me alone, He keeps messaging me, even though I have blocked him, he found a way through. I have been brushing it all off, but I just keep getting this feeling inside that something is wrong. Something is wrong, and for the first time I am going to do something about it.
Every state has a Sexual Assault hotline. In NH, it is 1-800-227-5570, and I called it. Within 5 minutes an advocate called me back. It was helpful to talk about it with someone and have them validate that my feelings were real and valid. She is finding me some information and calling me back. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I feel better knowing that I told someone what happened and that it was validated that it wasn’t something I was making up in my head.
I am still upset with myself for not taking it more seriously. If we can’t stick up for ourselves, then who will?