“I need one of those long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening around you for a minute”
There was nothing but numbness. No emotion, no tears, no anger or pain. Just nothing. Like an empty hole in my chest. A hole that nothing could fill. Depression.
The day started out like normal. I woke up, got some things together, I dropped off a raffle item off for a fundraiser, then I spent some time with a friend. All good things. Then it hit me out of nowhere. The numbness. It was 2:30pm.
I was dragging by the time I made the twenty five minute trip home. I pulled myself up to my apartment, then went straight to bed. So many things to do, yet I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Settled under my weighted blanket I did an anxiety meditation. I said to myself, “I don’t think my brain can handle more than fifteen minutes”. So I did twenty. Small win for me.
I faded off to sleep quickly. My alarm set for 5:30 pm so I could wake up and go to the Circle of Sound. One on my most favorite rituals put on by the Temple of Witchcraft. I never miss a gathering. When my alarm went off, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t get out of bed. I could barely lift my head to text my friend and let her know I wasn’t coming. I cried. Just a little. I could have slept all night at that moment. I ended up getting out of bed at 7 pm.
I was numb for the rest of the night. I didn’t write, I didn’t read, I didn’t even watch TV, I just kind of sat there for a few hours then went back to bed. The only reason I got up was to spend some time with the cats. The day needed to be over, and the only way to make that happen was to go to sleep.
I put the cats to bed, took my pills, and tucked myself in. I needed a hug, I needed to be held, but there was no one there, just me, me and my Winnie the Pooh bear.
Just like that, a perfectly good Sunday down the drain because of a random bout of depression. There was no trigger, there was no reason for it, it just came out of nowhere and knocked me on my ass.
Come the morning and the world was right again. This is my life, living with depression.