#writerschallenge2019 ~ Three Things About Me

“The shortest distance between two people is a story.”

~Patti Digh, Four-Word Self-Help: Simple Wisdom for Complex Lives

The Challenge

I am working on a writers challenge, #writerschallenge2019.  It was supposed to be done in March, but well, now it is April and here we are.  I also realize that it is in the wee hours of April 3rd and I am already two days behind. I guess that means today will be a busy day for me!

The challenge is easy.  31 posts in a month, each with a different given topic.  However, it is going to push me. Not only do I have to write a post everyday, but I have to use a specific topic.  That is not something that I am used to. Yay for growth!

Here we go.

Post #1 – Three Things About Me

(I have been sitting here for 10 minutes and I still trying to figure out what to write.  Totally overthinking it. Ahhh)

I am a witch.

I am a witch.  Through and through.  I have officially been a solitary witch for fifteen years, I have been initiated into the Temple of Witchcraft for five years, and I am currently working on my first year at Black Rose Witchcraft.  Looking back though, I have always been a witch.  How many Catholic teenagers wait until everyone is asleep to make a candle altar and send out intentions. Not to many.  

Magick is my life.  It is blood, breath, and bone.  It is earth, air, fire, and water.  It is spirit. Yes, I do spells and rituals, but it is so much for than that.  It is knowing myself, and my shadow, and keeping a relationship between the two.  It is divination, meditation, and observation. It is community.

I am 100% out of the broom closet.  I practically blink witch like a neon sign.  It is not that I flaunt it, it is just who I am, and I decided about four years ago that I was not going to hide anymore.  I am the official office witch, clearing “curses” on co-workers good luck charms. Really. That happened.

Probably one of my favorite things about being a witch is being able to share the magick with little witchlings.  My niece is well on her way and she is eight years old. Read about her here.

Sloane is four and she is an expert on fairies and the Night Wood.  A post about her is coming soon. Both of these little magickal girls are so receptive, my makes my heart happy.

I feel like I could just write forever about this topic.  It is such a huge part of my life, I can’t even see myself on any other path.  Being in this community, I am blessed.

I am an Auntie.

I love being an Auntie.  I have three nieces and one nephew and another baby on the way.  I can’t have kids and at times it is really hard for me, but I love being able to spend time with my brood.  I am really close with my nieces and I need to foster a better relationship for my nephew. It is harder with the boys I think.  I don’t really know what to do, but I love him dearly, and he knows that. Now he is getting older and I think I can start to do things with him.  

For Christmas this year, I got all of them crystals for the first time.  I got them a tumbled and a raw crystal of their birth stone. It was a huge hit!  I loved sitting with them one on one and explaining the crystal to them. They really seemed to like it.  Especially Alexandra, she is a little witchling. We recently went out one on one and I bought her, her first pendulum.  She calls it her mind reading crystal. I freaking love it.

I remember the day that each of them were born, and what it was like to hold them for the first time.  I remember the first time my eldest niece told me she loved me. I remember when my nephew used to fall asleep in my arms because I have magic breasts that put babies to sleep.  I remember my teaching my youngest niece colors and how to say balloon. I love these kids so much. They are such a blessing to me and to the entire family.

I live with mental health disorders.

This has been the biggest struggle of my life.  My current diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD.  I am on a plethora of medication that I take daily. I deal with extreme highs and extreme lows and I struggle to maintain balance.  I have recently started seeing a new therapist and she is amazing. She is working on updating my diagnosis. She thinks that there are different things going on.  I am hopeful. She seems amazing and so willing to work with me.

I was voluntarily committed to a mental health facility last July for severe thoughts of hurting myself.  I was going through a very terrible situation and found that I could just not handle it myself. It is a difficult thing to admit, but I spent five days there getting regulated, then spent three weeks in a partial outpatient program focusing on DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).  Basically, tools to help regulate yourself.  They are fantastic and I am so glad that something good came out of something so awful.

I know this is something that I will have to deal with for my entire life, but I also pride myself in being aware of myself.  I can feel myself slipping and I know how to ask for help. I do what I need to do. I go to therapy weekly, I take my medications daily and I live the best life I can.  It is something I deal with, not who I am.

Thank you so much for learning a little bit about me!  Drop me something special about you in the comments!

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Just another manic Monday…Tuesday… Wednesday??


“It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality is more important than the feeling for pictures.”


~ Vincent Van Gogh

It started out like any other Sunday night, I was at the Circle of Sound with the Temple of Witchcraft, which is my favorite circle.  I was in a great mood, and bouncing around much like I usually do, but mid way through the circle, I snapped out of the meditative state.  It was weird, it was just like BAM, over. I obviously stayed quiet, but I couldn’t tune in after that.

I got home about 11:30pm.  I had stayed after to chat and help clean up.  I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t even close, I thought that I was just wired from the circle, but it didn’t stop… next thing I knew it was 4am on a work night… bad news bears.

It didn’t even occur to me, until half way through Monday and I was talking fast and bouncing around, full of energy even with so little sleep.  I was in a manic episode. Dammit. The problem with mania is you are never quite sure if you are manic or just in a really good mood, until you have done some stupid shit.  Generally, I spend money I don’t have on things that I don’t need, and I have sex, lots of it. Could be worse, I could be one of the angry ones that stabs people. Silver lining.

I was really hyped up, everyone at work noticed.  Yet I was also having the best sales day I the entire month.  I call that a win, kind of. Much like I do at the end of a super manic day, I passed out.  Some people stay up for days without sleep, in my case, I burn so much energy throughout the day, I tend to pass out around 9pm.  

I wake up Tuesday, I do the open one eye thing to see how the day is going to be.  Yup, still manic. Even worse than Monday. So far I had been able to behave myself, but the struggle was real.  Work again flew by in a energetic daze. Again, a great sales day. I am starting to see a pattern, and not a good one.  Tuesday night, again, I pass out.

Wednesday comes around, I was still elevated, but not as much.  Still a great sales day, but my anxiety was starting to come back.  I had a date with a new guy Wednesday night so I was nervous about that. (It went great though!) By some miracle, I was able to behave myself again.  Now that is a win.

Thursday.  The inevitable happened.  The crash. Oh boy did I crash hard.  I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t even cry, I was just gone. Blank, empty.  This is the worst part of being manic. It feels so good when you are in it, but eventually, you will come down, and you will come down hard.  

Today is better, I am in a mixed state of sorts, not really sure.  That sounds so weird, not being sure what kind of mood you are in, but it is real life.  Sometimes, I just have no idea. I push through as best I can and see what shakes out.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I understand that bipolar disorder is an important part of who I am.  Depressed or manic, I wouldn’t be me without it. I think I am pretty awesome, and so life goes on. It feels good to accept it.  When someone asks me how I am, I am not afraid to say I am manic today, so enjoy the ride! Or I am feeling very low, be gentle with me.

This is my life.  It’s hard, but it’s mine and I love it, even if I don’t like it sometimes.

xxoo

Bipolar mental disorder abstract psychological illness concept as a butterfly divided as one side in grey and sad colors with the other in full bright tones as a medical metaphor for psychiatric mood or feelings imbalance.
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Me and my mania.


Bipolar disorder means waking up not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore will be making your decisions for you.


~Unknown

Mania.  It really is the best feeling ever, there is nothing like it. It can last for hours, days, weeks or even months.  I feel happy, genuinely happy, an emotion that I don’t feel often. I am full of energy, I am getting stuff done. I am focused, yet easily distracted (Squirrel!). Hence why I have been writing this post for three days.  I spend too much money (So much shopping!), and not enough sleep (Thank you 4:30 am!). I also often get tattoos or piercings. Sometimes these decisions are great, other times not so much. Luckily, this time, my promiscuity is in check… for now.  The three keys to my mania, sex, spending, and pain.

I talk to fast and often stumble over my words because my mouth cannot keep up with my brain and all its ideas.  These ideas, of course, are the best ideas ever. All of them, and they all need to be done right now. Without plan and without haste.  In reality though, they are usually not great and I have to deal with the fall out afterwards.

I can’t sit still.  I am constantly tapping my foot, clicking my pen, basically driving everyone around me crazy.  To me, it’s normal, and it feels good. Everything feels good, and if it doesn’t, I search harder for the things that do.  The choices I make, they are usually out of character. It is like I am two people at times. The fun one who does what she wants, and the depressed one that is drowning in emotions.  Luckily, manic episodes only come every so often, and I have not had a one this intense since July.

July was a mess, no good came from July.  I was completely manic through the entire death of my grandfather.  There were no tears, there was no feelings. I was bouncy, and helpfully, but with no emotion on the inside.  I am still trying to grieve and it is a difficult process. So many things happened over the summer that when the inevitable crash happened, I ended up in the hospital.  A first for me.

The worst part of a manic episode is knowing that it won’t last forever.  Knowing that the crash is coming, the great fall to depression. It hurts, sometimes for a very long time.  I find myself praying that my mania will last. Like now, I just want it to last through Christmas, I can’t crash for Christmas.  I have way too much to do, people are depending on me.

I have often said that the hardest part of having bipolar disorder is that I never know if I am really happy or not.  Am I having a good day, or or am I getting elevated. Once it starts, there is nothing I can do. I can try to be aware, I can try to make little changes to keep myself in check, but it is often useless.  When I am manic, I just don’t care. I do what I want, when I want to with no regrets. Ever.

Bipolar disorder is like living on a roller coaster.  Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down, occasionally you are at baseline.  All I can do is use my CBT & DBT skills the best I can to limit the damage. However, if given the option, I don’t think I would change a thing.  Yea, it’s really hard, but it is apart of me. It makes me who I am. I am creative, spastic, and unique. I look at the world differently than most people.  I am badass because of everything I have been through. And with everything that I have been through, I am still standing. The best part? There is no one in the world like me, and that is a great feeling.

I have bipolar disorder, it does not have me.

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Don’t ever give people power over you.


“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.  It means the damage no longer controls our lives”


~unknown

Truth: I don’t always make the best decisions.  I am an overthinker, but not in the way most people are.  I make rash decisions and then worry about them afterwards.  Backwards, but it is pretty consistent with me. This is something that I have recently discovered about myself and I am pretty proud of the revelation.  Of course, even this goes out the window when I am manic. Everything is a great idea, in fact it’s the best idea ever. Never in the world has there been an idea better than this one.  Those decisions, even scarier, I never overthink. However, I do take responsibility for them.

Of course, after a mania comes the inevitable crash. Depression. I can’t get out of bed, I am empty.  I isolate, hid away in my bed away from people, everyone. Even those closest to me cannot help. I don’t let them in.  Not until I am back on the upswing, which happens every time, but when I am depressed, I feel like it is never going to get better.  And then it does, and the world is right again.

Of course, this is just a part of me.  It is not my identity. I deal with it everyday, and it comes with positives as well.  I am creative, so creative. I see the world in a childlike way at times. I get excited at the little things, and it can be infections.  I make people smile. I love, deeply, with my whole heart. I am artsy with my poetry and music, and I to share myself with those around me.  I have reached a place in my life where it is getting easier to be me. I am tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I am me, flaws and all.  I am full of so much life and love, and is about time I embrace it.

Over the summer, I was in a pretty bad place.  Life kind of blew up and I didn’t, couldn’t handle it on my own.  I resisted getting the help that I needed because of the stigma. I didn’t want to be “that girl”, the crazy one, the one people whisper about.  The weak one. Well, it got to a point where I no longer had a choice to make and I ended up in the hospital. It is one of the best things I have ever done for myself and I couldn’t have done it alone.  It is times like these where you really learn who your friends are, and more importantly, who are not.  To make matters worse, I allowed those who are not, have power over me.  Over my actions, and over my emotions.  Not. Cool.

I’m still healing; I will always be healing, but I am so much better than I was before.  I am strong, and I have purpose and I recognize that. I am not weak, oh hell no, I am not weak.  I am the exact opposite. I am strong. I am loved. I have so much love to give, and now I know my own worth.  I am no longer going to give people power over me. I am no longer giving into the drama. I am better than that.  I need to stand up for myself, because no one is going to do it for me. Look out world, I am done being pushed around.  I am here and I am beautiful, strong, and just crazy enough to keep things interesting. <3

…and she goes on.
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