Just another manic Monday…Tuesday… Wednesday??


“It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality is more important than the feeling for pictures.”


~ Vincent Van Gogh

It started out like any other Sunday night, I was at the Circle of Sound with the Temple of Witchcraft, which is my favorite circle.  I was in a great mood, and bouncing around much like I usually do, but mid way through the circle, I snapped out of the meditative state.  It was weird, it was just like BAM, over. I obviously stayed quiet, but I couldn’t tune in after that.

I got home about 11:30pm.  I had stayed after to chat and help clean up.  I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t even close, I thought that I was just wired from the circle, but it didn’t stop… next thing I knew it was 4am on a work night… bad news bears.

It didn’t even occur to me, until half way through Monday and I was talking fast and bouncing around, full of energy even with so little sleep.  I was in a manic episode. Dammit. The problem with mania is you are never quite sure if you are manic or just in a really good mood, until you have done some stupid shit.  Generally, I spend money I don’t have on things that I don’t need, and I have sex, lots of it. Could be worse, I could be one of the angry ones that stabs people. Silver lining.

I was really hyped up, everyone at work noticed.  Yet I was also having the best sales day I the entire month.  I call that a win, kind of. Much like I do at the end of a super manic day, I passed out.  Some people stay up for days without sleep, in my case, I burn so much energy throughout the day, I tend to pass out around 9pm.  

I wake up Tuesday, I do the open one eye thing to see how the day is going to be.  Yup, still manic. Even worse than Monday. So far I had been able to behave myself, but the struggle was real.  Work again flew by in a energetic daze. Again, a great sales day. I am starting to see a pattern, and not a good one.  Tuesday night, again, I pass out.

Wednesday comes around, I was still elevated, but not as much.  Still a great sales day, but my anxiety was starting to come back.  I had a date with a new guy Wednesday night so I was nervous about that. (It went great though!) By some miracle, I was able to behave myself again.  Now that is a win.

Thursday.  The inevitable happened.  The crash. Oh boy did I crash hard.  I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t even cry, I was just gone. Blank, empty.  This is the worst part of being manic. It feels so good when you are in it, but eventually, you will come down, and you will come down hard.  

Today is better, I am in a mixed state of sorts, not really sure.  That sounds so weird, not being sure what kind of mood you are in, but it is real life.  Sometimes, I just have no idea. I push through as best I can and see what shakes out.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I understand that bipolar disorder is an important part of who I am.  Depressed or manic, I wouldn’t be me without it. I think I am pretty awesome, and so life goes on. It feels good to accept it.  When someone asks me how I am, I am not afraid to say I am manic today, so enjoy the ride! Or I am feeling very low, be gentle with me.

This is my life.  It’s hard, but it’s mine and I love it, even if I don’t like it sometimes.

xxoo

Bipolar mental disorder abstract psychological illness concept as a butterfly divided as one side in grey and sad colors with the other in full bright tones as a medical metaphor for psychiatric mood or feelings imbalance.
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Me and my mania.


Bipolar disorder means waking up not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore will be making your decisions for you.


~Unknown

Mania.  It really is the best feeling ever, there is nothing like it. It can last for hours, days, weeks or even months.  I feel happy, genuinely happy, an emotion that I don’t feel often. I am full of energy, I am getting stuff done. I am focused, yet easily distracted (Squirrel!). Hence why I have been writing this post for three days.  I spend too much money (So much shopping!), and not enough sleep (Thank you 4:30 am!). I also often get tattoos or piercings. Sometimes these decisions are great, other times not so much. Luckily, this time, my promiscuity is in check… for now.  The three keys to my mania, sex, spending, and pain.

I talk to fast and often stumble over my words because my mouth cannot keep up with my brain and all its ideas.  These ideas, of course, are the best ideas ever. All of them, and they all need to be done right now. Without plan and without haste.  In reality though, they are usually not great and I have to deal with the fall out afterwards.

I can’t sit still.  I am constantly tapping my foot, clicking my pen, basically driving everyone around me crazy.  To me, it’s normal, and it feels good. Everything feels good, and if it doesn’t, I search harder for the things that do.  The choices I make, they are usually out of character. It is like I am two people at times. The fun one who does what she wants, and the depressed one that is drowning in emotions.  Luckily, manic episodes only come every so often, and I have not had a one this intense since July.

July was a mess, no good came from July.  I was completely manic through the entire death of my grandfather.  There were no tears, there was no feelings. I was bouncy, and helpfully, but with no emotion on the inside.  I am still trying to grieve and it is a difficult process. So many things happened over the summer that when the inevitable crash happened, I ended up in the hospital.  A first for me.

The worst part of a manic episode is knowing that it won’t last forever.  Knowing that the crash is coming, the great fall to depression. It hurts, sometimes for a very long time.  I find myself praying that my mania will last. Like now, I just want it to last through Christmas, I can’t crash for Christmas.  I have way too much to do, people are depending on me.

I have often said that the hardest part of having bipolar disorder is that I never know if I am really happy or not.  Am I having a good day, or or am I getting elevated. Once it starts, there is nothing I can do. I can try to be aware, I can try to make little changes to keep myself in check, but it is often useless.  When I am manic, I just don’t care. I do what I want, when I want to with no regrets. Ever.

Bipolar disorder is like living on a roller coaster.  Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down, occasionally you are at baseline.  All I can do is use my CBT & DBT skills the best I can to limit the damage. However, if given the option, I don’t think I would change a thing.  Yea, it’s really hard, but it is apart of me. It makes me who I am. I am creative, spastic, and unique. I look at the world differently than most people.  I am badass because of everything I have been through. And with everything that I have been through, I am still standing. The best part? There is no one in the world like me, and that is a great feeling.

I have bipolar disorder, it does not have me.

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