“We shouldn’t have to out ourselves as survivors in order for people to grasp the magnitude of how systematic assault and harassment are.”~Laura Witt
On Friday night I was sexually assaulted, and I almost let it go. Sexual assault is a big umbrella, one that I am all too familiar with. I have always been quiet, not one to talk and say things. An easy target, especially when I was younger. Now, I am 36 and still, I find it hard to say things, or even force myself to recognize that it even happened. It’s easier to ignore it. Easier not to deal with it. Not this time.
I have a following on here, be it a little one, but if one person reads it that needs to see this, then it will be worth the uncomfortableness of talking about it.
It was our 3rd date. We had already had sex so that wasn’t even a worry for me. We hung out, watched movies. Well, things progressed they way that they do. Now, there is something specific that I will not do sexually. I just don’t like. Period. I am upfront and honest with everyone about it. It is a hard no. NO.
I reminded him of this, and he verbally agreed that he understood. Well. After about an hour of fooling around, and me reminding him three times, he held me down and forced me to do it. I said no, and tried to push him away. All he said was sorry.
Now here is the important part that even I need to keep reminding myself of. I 100% consented to having sex with him that night. I 100% consented to do anything except this one act. To that, I said no. I said no and he forced me to do it anyway. That is sexual assault. That is not ok. To make matters worse, it took me three days to even realize it.
If I had been raped, three days is enough time to wash any DNA that might be there away. I know this, yet I still did nothing. In Jr High, when I teacher assaulted me, I said nothing. In highschool, when my teacher touched me, I said nothing. 8 years ago, when I was raped by a guy I was dating, I didn’t say anything for five whole years. Then all of it just came out in a therapy session and I was crying so much that I couldn’t breathe. Complex PTSD they said. Lovely another diagnosis.
Don’t make the same mistakes I did and live quietly for years suffering in silence. Do something, say something.
Now this guy won’t leave me alone, He keeps messaging me, even though I have blocked him, he found a way through. I have been brushing it all off, but I just keep getting this feeling inside that something is wrong. Something is wrong, and for the first time I am going to do something about it.
Every state has a Sexual Assault hotline. In NH, it is 1-800-227-5570, and I called it. Within 5 minutes an advocate called me back. It was helpful to talk about it with someone and have them validate that my feelings were real and valid. She is finding me some information and calling me back. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I feel better knowing that I told someone what happened and that it was validated that it wasn’t something I was making up in my head.
I am still upset with myself for not taking it more seriously. If we can’t stick up for ourselves, then who will?