“It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality is more important than the feeling for pictures.”
~ Vincent Van Gogh
It started out like any other Sunday night, I was at the Circle of Sound with the Temple of Witchcraft, which is my favorite circle. I was in a great mood, and bouncing around much like I usually do, but mid way through the circle, I snapped out of the meditative state. It was weird, it was just like BAM, over. I obviously stayed quiet, but I couldn’t tune in after that.
I got home about 11:30pm. I had stayed after to chat and help clean up. I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t even close, I thought that I was just wired from the circle, but it didn’t stop… next thing I knew it was 4am on a work night… bad news bears.
It didn’t even occur to me, until half way through Monday and I was talking fast and bouncing around, full of energy even with so little sleep. I was in a manic episode. Dammit. The problem with mania is you are never quite sure if you are manic or just in a really good mood, until you have done some stupid shit. Generally, I spend money I don’t have on things that I don’t need, and I have sex, lots of it. Could be worse, I could be one of the angry ones that stabs people. Silver lining.
I was really hyped up, everyone at work noticed. Yet I was also having the best sales day I the entire month. I call that a win, kind of. Much like I do at the end of a super manic day, I passed out. Some people stay up for days without sleep, in my case, I burn so much energy throughout the day, I tend to pass out around 9pm.
I wake up Tuesday, I do the open one eye thing to see how the day is going to be. Yup, still manic. Even worse than Monday. So far I had been able to behave myself, but the struggle was real. Work again flew by in a energetic daze. Again, a great sales day. I am starting to see a pattern, and not a good one. Tuesday night, again, I pass out.
Wednesday comes around, I was still elevated, but not as much. Still a great sales day, but my anxiety was starting to come back. I had a date with a new guy Wednesday night so I was nervous about that. (It went great though!) By some miracle, I was able to behave myself again. Now that is a win.
Thursday. The inevitable happened. The crash. Oh boy did I crash hard. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even cry, I was just gone. Blank, empty. This is the worst part of being manic. It feels so good when you are in it, but eventually, you will come down, and you will come down hard.
Today is better, I am in a mixed state of sorts, not really sure. That sounds so weird, not being sure what kind of mood you are in, but it is real life. Sometimes, I just have no idea. I push through as best I can and see what shakes out.
I have gotten to a point in my life where I understand that bipolar disorder is an important part of who I am. Depressed or manic, I wouldn’t be me without it. I think I am pretty awesome, and so life goes on. It feels good to accept it. When someone asks me how I am, I am not afraid to say I am manic today, so enjoy the ride! Or I am feeling very low, be gentle with me.
This is my life. It’s hard, but it’s mine and I love it, even if I don’t like it sometimes.