“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives”
Truth: I don’t always make the best decisions. I am an overthinker, but not in the way most people are. I make rash decisions and then worry about them afterwards. Backwards, but it is pretty consistent with me. This is something that I have recently discovered about myself and I am pretty proud of the revelation. Of course, even this goes out the window when I am manic. Everything is a great idea, in fact it’s the best idea ever. Never in the world has there been an idea better than this one. Those decisions, even scarier, I never overthink. However, I do take responsibility for them.
Of course, after a mania comes the inevitable crash. Depression. I can’t get out of bed, I am empty. I isolate, hid away in my bed away from people, everyone. Even those closest to me cannot help. I don’t let them in. Not until I am back on the upswing, which happens every time, but when I am depressed, I feel like it is never going to get better. And then it does, and the world is right again.
Of course, this is just a part of me. It is not my identity. I deal with it everyday, and it comes with positives as well. I am creative, so creative. I see the world in a childlike way at times. I get excited at the little things, and it can be infections. I make people smile. I love, deeply, with my whole heart. I am artsy with my poetry and music, and I to share myself with those around me. I have reached a place in my life where it is getting easier to be me. I am tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I am me, flaws and all. I am full of so much life and love, and is about time I embrace it.
Over the summer, I was in a pretty bad place. Life kind of blew up and I didn’t, couldn’t handle it on my own. I resisted getting the help that I needed because of the stigma. I didn’t want to be “that girl”, the crazy one, the one people whisper about. The weak one. Well, it got to a point where I no longer had a choice to make and I ended up in the hospital. It is one of the best things I have ever done for myself and I couldn’t have done it alone. It is times like these where you really learn who your friends are, and more importantly, who are not. To make matters worse, I allowed those who are not, have power over me. Over my actions, and over my emotions. Not. Cool.
I’m still healing; I will always be healing, but I am so much better than I was before. I am strong, and I have purpose and I recognize that. I am not weak, oh hell no, I am not weak. I am the exact opposite. I am strong. I am loved. I have so much love to give, and now I know my own worth. I am no longer going to give people power over me. I am no longer giving into the drama. I am better than that. I need to stand up for myself, because no one is going to do it for me. Look out world, I am done being pushed around. I am here and I am beautiful, strong, and just crazy enough to keep things interesting. <3