You Can’t Have Roses Without the Thorns


“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.”


~Zig Ziglar

I was browsing Wish, (a shopping app with really cheap prices) and found this beautiful ring.  It was a set of two, one was a ring of thorns, and the other was thorns and a rose.  I ordered them and three months later, (they come from Asia), they arrived at my door. Yay!  Mail that is not a bill is always welcome in my home.

Now, I have really chubby fingers so I didn’t think it would fit, but it fits perfectly on my pinky finger. Woot!  Currently, I am choosing to wear the one with just the thorns. Here’s why. I am in a state of rebuilding myself. I experienced rock bottom this year, and I am digging my way back up and out.  I still have rough days, and days I just feel like crying. At times I hide, but now I allow myself to be there for a time, but I don’t unpack and live there. Living there doesn’t help me grow, and I am growing like a weed, or should I say bush!

This ring is a reminder that I am the thorn right now, prickly at times, but growing into a big bush of stabby things (it is much better than it sounds).  Sometimes, I prick myself and I bleed, but I wash it off and move on. Sometimes I prick others and they bleed, I do my best to make amends and we move on.  As the bush grows, the thorns and sharp ends become covered with vibrant green leaves that eventually grow beautiful flowers, the most loved flowers in the world.  Roses.

Life is a journey.  Sometimes it’s prickly and makes you bleed, and other times it is a beautiful flower that brushes against your skin softly comforting you.  Just like the seasons, the rose bush waxes and wanes like we do. Sometimes we are prickly and sometimes we are soft and comforting. No matter what , we always continue to grow, and that is the most important thing.  

We must always be growing.

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Me and my mania.


Bipolar disorder means waking up not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore will be making your decisions for you.


~Unknown

Mania.  It really is the best feeling ever, there is nothing like it. It can last for hours, days, weeks or even months.  I feel happy, genuinely happy, an emotion that I don’t feel often. I am full of energy, I am getting stuff done. I am focused, yet easily distracted (Squirrel!). Hence why I have been writing this post for three days.  I spend too much money (So much shopping!), and not enough sleep (Thank you 4:30 am!). I also often get tattoos or piercings. Sometimes these decisions are great, other times not so much. Luckily, this time, my promiscuity is in check… for now.  The three keys to my mania, sex, spending, and pain.

I talk to fast and often stumble over my words because my mouth cannot keep up with my brain and all its ideas.  These ideas, of course, are the best ideas ever. All of them, and they all need to be done right now. Without plan and without haste.  In reality though, they are usually not great and I have to deal with the fall out afterwards.

I can’t sit still.  I am constantly tapping my foot, clicking my pen, basically driving everyone around me crazy.  To me, it’s normal, and it feels good. Everything feels good, and if it doesn’t, I search harder for the things that do.  The choices I make, they are usually out of character. It is like I am two people at times. The fun one who does what she wants, and the depressed one that is drowning in emotions.  Luckily, manic episodes only come every so often, and I have not had a one this intense since July.

July was a mess, no good came from July.  I was completely manic through the entire death of my grandfather.  There were no tears, there was no feelings. I was bouncy, and helpfully, but with no emotion on the inside.  I am still trying to grieve and it is a difficult process. So many things happened over the summer that when the inevitable crash happened, I ended up in the hospital.  A first for me.

The worst part of a manic episode is knowing that it won’t last forever.  Knowing that the crash is coming, the great fall to depression. It hurts, sometimes for a very long time.  I find myself praying that my mania will last. Like now, I just want it to last through Christmas, I can’t crash for Christmas.  I have way too much to do, people are depending on me.

I have often said that the hardest part of having bipolar disorder is that I never know if I am really happy or not.  Am I having a good day, or or am I getting elevated. Once it starts, there is nothing I can do. I can try to be aware, I can try to make little changes to keep myself in check, but it is often useless.  When I am manic, I just don’t care. I do what I want, when I want to with no regrets. Ever.

Bipolar disorder is like living on a roller coaster.  Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down, occasionally you are at baseline.  All I can do is use my CBT & DBT skills the best I can to limit the damage. However, if given the option, I don’t think I would change a thing.  Yea, it’s really hard, but it is apart of me. It makes me who I am. I am creative, spastic, and unique. I look at the world differently than most people.  I am badass because of everything I have been through. And with everything that I have been through, I am still standing. The best part? There is no one in the world like me, and that is a great feeling.

I have bipolar disorder, it does not have me.

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Blessed Solstice, Merry Yule


See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the bright sun soon to come.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way,
for the world to awake once more.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the longest night of the year.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the sun to finally return,
bringing with it light and warmth.”


~Unknown

The holidays, (dramatic sigh) they are rough, but this year I feel like a whole different person.  I am currently taking a course called The Wheel of the Year, with Christopher Penczak at the Temple of Witchcraft in Salem, NH. It is amazing and you should totally take it.  In the course, he asks a lot of questions about how we practice the Sabbots ourselves. I quickly realized that something was missing. So, I have decided to not only take this opportunity to learn about the Sabbots, but to find out what they mean to me, and how I will celebrate them.

Celebrating Yule has never felt complete, then Christmas comes, and that doesn’t feel right either.  How can I possibly get through the holidays successfully if I am not celebrating that way that I need to?  So I started my Wheel of the Year journey at the beginning, with Yule.

Yule, the birth of the Sun God, and the return of the light.  Every year I have focused on the light, this year, some great witches reminded me that it is about sitting in the darkness and allowing the light to come.  I got excited. I was finally taking charge of my path. I will sit in the darkness and I will come out the other side better than before.

I thought all day about what my holiday should feel like.  I decided to do the entire ritual silent, speaking the words only in my heart.  I decorated my Yule altar with candles, jingle bells, a beautiful flower chain. I cleaned the space with sage, and then, incense for the full moon.  Having a Full Moon on Yule is very rare and I am honored be able to start my journey of the Wheel of the Year on one.

The focus was to be on Christopher Penczak’s Thirteen Days of Yule meditation ritual, (that is available on the Temple of Witchcraft’s Page : Here.)  The original 12 Days of Christmas.  I started on Yule night, and my last night will be New Year’s Eve.  Finally! Something connecting Yule to Christmas, just what I needed.

Now I had a base plan, and a map to build off of (go me!).  Next, I made a list of the things that I love the most about the holiday season.  Singing carols was at the very top. I haven’t really had a place to sing carols since made Catholic to Witch switch, and chants don’t give me the same warm fuzzy feelings.  So, I messaged my Dad asking if they do anything with carols at his church. Tada! Singing Carols on Christmas Eve. New tradition. Probably don’t hear that from a witch very often!  

So I have my map of the holiday.  My altar is set, my candles are burning I lay out on my yoga mat for meditation, and of course I have the cat licking my toes.  Wouldn’t be Yule without that. I go through Christopher’s guided meditation; after returning, I allowed myself to journey to where I needed to go.  I was not surprised when I appeared at the door of my Shadow. Yule = Shadow work? Apparently so.

It was nothing like I thought it would be, my Yule, but it is perfect.  It is where I need to be and what I needed to be doing. I have found the first step on my journey; I have found my Yule.

Blessed Solstice

Yule, December 21st 2018
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Your soul is like a landscape fantasy…


“Music is the silence between the notes.”


~Claude Debussy

Clair de Lune is one of my favorite classical music pieces.  It was the third and probably most famous work from Claude Debussy.  Many people, however, don’t know the origin of this beautiful work of art.

Clair de Lune, or Moonlight, is a poem by Paul Verlaine, author of Nevermore.  It was featured in Verlaine’s work  Fêtes galantes, in 1869.  

Clair de Lune ~ Moonlight

Votre âme est un paysage choisi ~ Your soul is like a landscape fantasy,
Que vont charmant masques et bergamasques ~ Where masks and Bergamasks, in charming wise,
Jouant du luth et dansant et quasi ~ Strum lutes and dance, just a bit sad to be
Tristes sous leurs déguisements fantasques.~Hidden beneath their fanciful disguise.

Tout en chantant sur le mode mineur ~Singing in minor mode of life’s largesse
L’amour vainqueur et la vie opportune, ~ And all-victorious love, they yet seem quite
Ils n’ont pas l’air de croire à leur bonheur ~ Reluctant to believe their happiness,
Et leur chanson se mêle au clair de lune, ~ And their song mingles with the pale moonlight,

Au calme clair de lune triste et beau, ~ The calm, pale moonlight, whose sad beauty, beaming,
Qui fait rêver les oiseaux dans les arbres ~ Sets the birds softly dreaming in the trees,
Et sangloter d’extase les jets d’eau, ~ And makes the marbled fountains, gushing, streaming–
Les grands jets d’eau sveltes parmi les marbres. ~ Slender jet-fountains–sob their ecstasies.

Debussy added the work to his movement, Suite Bergamasque, in 1905 taking inspiration from the French Baroque period from the 17th and early 18th century.  Debussy is considered one of the leaders of French Impressionism, normally a term used for visual art, in this case it is meant to describe the use of harmony and texture to represent light and color.

I ask that you listen to Clair de Lune, and if you are so called, the entire Suite Bergamasque.  Close your eyes, and really feel the music, the moonlight shining down upon you.  Then listen to it while reading the poem and let me know what you think.

Visit my blog again next Wednesday for more music!

Mccallum, S. (2018, December 06). Decoding the Music Masterpieces: Debussy’s Clair de Lune. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/decoding-the-music-masterpieces-debussys-clair-de-lune-79765

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Demand Respect


“Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.”


~Laurie Perry

Online dating these past few months has been an interesting experience.  I have met some really great people, and some really terrible people. I have also learned a lot about myself, and what I bring to the table; most importantly, what I am, and am not looking for.

Admittedly, I have a terrible track record.  I have not made the best choices in relationships, and have ended up in some not so great situations.  We live and learn… boy have I learned. Now, I am starting to realize that I deserve to be treated with respect and I choose to spend my time with those that feel the same.  However, sometimes, someone sneaks through the cracks.

For example:  Last Friday I had coffee with a great guy.  He was younger then I usually like, but he was sweet, so I figured I would meet him and see what happened.  He seemed like a great guy, I really enjoyed our time together. As we were leaving, we decided that we would see each other on Monday after work.  We had planned to have dinner and watch Forensic Files. Sounds like the perfect date, right?

I messaged him Monday afternoon to see if we were still on.  I was a little under the weather but since it was a low key night, I was still game.  He confirmed, saying that he would call me at 5pm to coordinate details. Ok, great. I started to get ready, and 5 o’clock rolls around, 5:30, 6:00… ok, now I am annoyed.  At 6:45pm I get a message saying “How are you?” Really? That’s what you come up with?

Now I should explain, girls don’t like to be kept waiting.  Especially if they are dressed and ready to go. I understand that things comes up, I really do, but communicate!  In this case, nothing came up. He apparently just didn’t think it was important enough to pay attention too. Old me, would have just dismissed it and went on with the date.  Now? No way. I laid into him good. He should be respectful of people’s time, and I let him know it. Needless to say, I did not go through with the date, and I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him again.  His loss.

Dating is hard, and it is important that women (including me!) know their worth and don’t stand for bull shit.  Stand up for yourself and demand that you be treated respectfully. You deserve it, we all do.

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