“I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine”.


“It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today.”


~unknown

Dating is hard.  Basically, two strangers meet and decide whether or not they like each other enough to move forward.  Move forward where? No one really knows at the beginning. The hard part, is getting both people to feel the same way at the same time.  That is where I have trouble. That is why I am feeling unlovable.

I have recently switched my mindset from just casually dating, to actually wanting a relationship.  I am starting to think that this was a terrible idea, because all it has done is made me cry. Crying sucks, and I hate feeling alone in a world full of people. Quickly I am finding out that I might not be cut out for this. Maybe I am not someone’s forever person. I don’t know.

I have met a few that have sparked some feels, but nothing that worked out.  “It’s not you, it’s me.” is getting pretty freaking old. Eventually, I have to believe that it is me.  However, that is ok. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with the real me. I am not going to put on a perfect face just to find someone. That’s not real.  I want something real. Someone who knows my crazy and loves me anyway.

To quote Rent, “Life’s to short babe, time is flying, I’m looking for baggage what goes with mine”.  We all have are baggage.  Every adult has their stuff to unpack and deal with.  The important thing is to find someone who matches your baggage.  That way, you can both deal with them together and not lose your minds while doing so.

I don’t know where to go from here.  That is a strange feeling. I don’t know what I should do.  Do I keep dating with the hopes that someone will stick, or do I give it a rest and hope that someone fantastic will just pop into my life and sweep me off my feet?  Both sound pretty terrible at this point. I am a hot mess, but you know what? I am an awesome hot mess that loves with my whole heart. Someday, someone will come along and love me with their whole heart too.  It has to happen, that is the way life goes, right? Clearly, patience is a virtue that I do not have.

I am just ready for a happily ever after…


Online Dating is rough.
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Just another manic Monday…Tuesday… Wednesday??


“It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality is more important than the feeling for pictures.”


~ Vincent Van Gogh

It started out like any other Sunday night, I was at the Circle of Sound with the Temple of Witchcraft, which is my favorite circle.  I was in a great mood, and bouncing around much like I usually do, but mid way through the circle, I snapped out of the meditative state.  It was weird, it was just like BAM, over. I obviously stayed quiet, but I couldn’t tune in after that.

I got home about 11:30pm.  I had stayed after to chat and help clean up.  I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t even close, I thought that I was just wired from the circle, but it didn’t stop… next thing I knew it was 4am on a work night… bad news bears.

It didn’t even occur to me, until half way through Monday and I was talking fast and bouncing around, full of energy even with so little sleep.  I was in a manic episode. Dammit. The problem with mania is you are never quite sure if you are manic or just in a really good mood, until you have done some stupid shit.  Generally, I spend money I don’t have on things that I don’t need, and I have sex, lots of it. Could be worse, I could be one of the angry ones that stabs people. Silver lining.

I was really hyped up, everyone at work noticed.  Yet I was also having the best sales day I the entire month.  I call that a win, kind of. Much like I do at the end of a super manic day, I passed out.  Some people stay up for days without sleep, in my case, I burn so much energy throughout the day, I tend to pass out around 9pm.  

I wake up Tuesday, I do the open one eye thing to see how the day is going to be.  Yup, still manic. Even worse than Monday. So far I had been able to behave myself, but the struggle was real.  Work again flew by in a energetic daze. Again, a great sales day. I am starting to see a pattern, and not a good one.  Tuesday night, again, I pass out.

Wednesday comes around, I was still elevated, but not as much.  Still a great sales day, but my anxiety was starting to come back.  I had a date with a new guy Wednesday night so I was nervous about that. (It went great though!) By some miracle, I was able to behave myself again.  Now that is a win.

Thursday.  The inevitable happened.  The crash. Oh boy did I crash hard.  I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t even cry, I was just gone. Blank, empty.  This is the worst part of being manic. It feels so good when you are in it, but eventually, you will come down, and you will come down hard.  

Today is better, I am in a mixed state of sorts, not really sure.  That sounds so weird, not being sure what kind of mood you are in, but it is real life.  Sometimes, I just have no idea. I push through as best I can and see what shakes out.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I understand that bipolar disorder is an important part of who I am.  Depressed or manic, I wouldn’t be me without it. I think I am pretty awesome, and so life goes on. It feels good to accept it.  When someone asks me how I am, I am not afraid to say I am manic today, so enjoy the ride! Or I am feeling very low, be gentle with me.

This is my life.  It’s hard, but it’s mine and I love it, even if I don’t like it sometimes.

xxoo

Bipolar mental disorder abstract psychological illness concept as a butterfly divided as one side in grey and sad colors with the other in full bright tones as a medical metaphor for psychiatric mood or feelings imbalance.
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The Valentine I lost.

“Sometimes the person you fall for is not ready to catch you.”

~unknown

The Monday before Valentine’s Day, I had a date with Andy.  I like Andy. A lot. I was really excited for this date. It was a real date!  He was picking me up for dinner and a movie, I didn’t even think that happened anymore.  It is still the very beginning, but there was already feelings between us, seemingly on both sides.  The butterflies in my stomach while waiting for him were epicly large. Then he arrived.

He is wonderfully awkward, much like myself.  He gave me a big hug and I was able to take a deep breath.  We sat on my couch and talked for a hour or so, then we decided to get tacos from the amazing place around the corner from me.  So we bundled up and walked the two blocks (which may not seem like a lot, but it was 19 degrees and windy). When we got there, they were closed.  Apparently there are no tacos on Monday. Very sad.

We decided to go to the 99 instead, so we walked back to the car.  On the seat was a pretty big Valentines Day bag. He has a daughter so I assumed it was for her.  I let him move it from the seat and when I got in the car he handed it back to me. It was a big pink monkey, a box of chocolates and a set of red and black nail polish.  My favorite. There was also a card but I didn’t read it until later that night.

He was originally going to take me to a small old time theater in Wilton to see an independent film, but none of them really sounded good to me so we went to the theater in town and we saw Bohemian Rhapsody. (Which is AMAZING!  If you have not seen it, you simply must!)  We got to the theater and got settled. I put my hand over on his side and he caught the hint and held it.  We sat together arm and arm, hand in hand for the movie. It was awesome. The thought still makes me smile.  It was a great feeling. After the movie, we held hands and walked to his car. It was time to take me home.

We pulled up to my house and we did the whole awkward good night thing where we were both trying to figure out if the other wanted a good night kiss.  Finally he went for it. The kiss was amazing. First kisses are my favorite. You can tell so much from them. After this kiss, there was no denying that we had chemistry.  Then we had our second, third and forth kiss. All equally as amazing as the first.

Conversation then turned to where we want this to go.  Obviously, not moving straight into a relationship, we we acknowledged that we both really liked each other and would like to see how it was going to progress.  I actually thought about deleting my dating apps because I thought this was going to be something real. I said goodnight with a final kiss then bounced up my stairs with a unstoppable smile on my face.  I couldn’t wait to get upstairs, I wanted to read his card.

I threw my stuff down and grabbed it, what I read made me cry.  How could anyone be so amazing. This is what I wanted, it is what I have been looking for.

The next day, I woke up to a sweet good morning text, and we talked throughout the day in the normal way that we did.  When I got home I messaged him that he could call me tonight, I was going to be home all night. He said sure, he was going to put some laundry in and give me a call.  Now I am not one to wait by the phone, so I was doing other things. Three hours went by and I thought it was weird so I messaged him. Nothing. I called him. Nothing.  I looked him up on facebook. He blocked me. What the everloving hell is going on?

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I had no idea what happened and I felt discarded.  Who does all of those nice things then just ghosts?  I was very upset. I didn’t hear from him all night, and into the next day.  Around mid morning I got the infamous “It’s not you, it’s me, but really it is me.” and “I’m not ready for a relationship.” text.  Now he wants to be friends. I can’t do it. I am sure he didn’t mean to, but he hurt me, and I can’t trust him after that, even as a friend.

So, Valentine’s Days sucked.  I had such high hopes for it being an awesome night by myself, (see my post here) until someone came along and made me believe that was not the case.  He is a nice guy, but in a way I wish I had never met him. I feel like my heart was played with and that is not ok with me.

Here we are, back at the beginning.  Though it is just a little bit harder right now.  I just want someone to hug me and tell me I’m awesome.  Not to much to ask, right? The search continues!

xxoo

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Check out my love story!


“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”


~Friedrich Nietzsche

I was special enough to be able to write a guest blog post over at Sorting Life’s Issues with Jess. Head on over and give her a follow!

Here is the link to my post on her page, check it out and comment!

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It’s that time of year again…


“ Fuck it.  I’ll buy myself chocolate for Valentines day.”


~Unknown

So truth time.  I am a hopeless romantic, like it’s bad.  I have these dreams of amazing valentine’s days, someday an epic proposal, and being swept off my feet. It is different then most I think.  I don’t want money spent on me. I want time spent, a handwritten love notes, a single flower, or the like. Is a damn mix tape too much to ask for? Joking.  Kind of.

In my recollection, I have never had a really amazing Valentine’s Day.  I was never the girl in high school who got the flowers, my ex husband loved me but was terrible at all things that needed romantic thought put into it.  My last boyfriend of eight years said he didn’t believe in it. Fun for me. Where do I find these people?

Holidays, such as this, makes the world seem very materialistic which makes me sad.  Don’t spend hundreds of dollars on sparkly things, I probably won’t even wear it! Give me a picnic on the living room floor and cuddling up to a movie.  That would be amazing. Or, give me a copy of your favorite book so I can read it and learn a little bit more about you. I would be over the moon. (Check out more ideas here: Free ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day.)

Until this year, I used to get really bitter, mostly because I don’t like feeling left out.  Everyone has great stories on the 15th and I used to feel like I had to make something up so I didn’t get the “aww” face.  You know the face I am talking about. The “poor thing” face. I hate that face.

This year, I am single, officially single. ( I also have zero fucks given, Remember?)  I also have zero expectations or obligations.  Nothing to look forward to only then to be disappointed! The 14th, this year, is just a Thursday.  No worries about putting thought into it for other people then being forgotten. Perfect.

So yes, I went to the store and bought my own chocolates and I am going to eat them cuddled up with my cats watching serial killer documentaries; and I have never been more excited about February 14th.

Share with me your most epic (or epic fail) Valentine’s Day stories in the comments below!

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